Saturday, June 12, 2010

Pity Party!

Well, this week sucked.

It was positively wonky on the blood sugar front.  I've had to snack between most of my meals to keep from going too low.  Tuesday was the worst and probably a little influenced by that glass of wine from Monday, but the major culprit for the entire week (and my Diabetes Educator agrees on this) is most likely hormones.

I stopped using the NuvaRing after only a week because it had turned me into a sobbing, pathetic ball of hormonal self-pity.  I'm so glad to be rid of it, but stopping so soon also meant starting my period very early.  Your period can lower your blood sugar, and apparently this one did a WHAMMY on mine.

Though I've successfully avoided actual lows by checking my blood sugar regularly and snacking whenever it's on a clear nose-dive, the chaos made this week awfully hard.  There was little else I could think about and I felt fuzzy-brained (from the fast drops and rises?), which made me somewhat useless at work, and I'm just exhausted.  My boss even sent me an email in which she told me to "go back to the drawing board" and re-prioritize some projects, and she concluded by telling me, "I want you to come back on Monday refreshed, organized, and determined."  I had all kinds of emotions about this:
  1. Guilt, because I know she has valid concerns about my recent performance.
  2. Frustration, for the same reason.
  3. Anger... because she has been very casual, even cheery, about my diabetes.  My mental response when first reading her closing request: "Does she not get that it's possible I won't be able to be refreshed exactly when she demands it?"
People with diabetes live normal lives and work just as effectively at their jobs, but the fact is that there are times when diabetes takes center stage even if you do everything right.  I intend to get to the point where I am living a normal life and putting forth normal (exceptional!) effort toward my job again, but I've only been treating diabetes for just over a month, and I'd say I was barely in control of my blood sugar this week.  I'd told her twice that week, including earlier that day, that I was fighting low blood sugars for the first time.  Her response? She squinted inquisitively with a "Hm!" and moved on.  After that email, I'm starting to think she doesn't understand that treating diabetes isn't as simple and effortless as some people make it look, and that low blood sugars (or rapidly dropping blood sugars, which was my issue this week since I fended off the sub-70s) affect your body and brain.

But then, reintroduce guilt:  She's right in that I'm not delivering like I should.  And also introduce a sense of being trapped... because maybe I just need to take a couple FMLA days off from work to rest, but I can't because of projects at work and because I can't afford it with the new medical bills, the purchase of a house right around the corner, and having finally paid our taxes (yeah, I know, way late).

So, what am I trying in order to make myself more "rested" for her?  Asking to have someone else host our Friday night D&D games for a little while.  Skipping my cousin's wedding shower tonight.  Staying at home while my husband and nephew watch the US soccer game at the local Irish pub.  Not going on my Sunday visit to my parents' place.  Working at home tomorrow (Sunday), because I could not focus enough to finish an article that needs to be finished by Monday morning.  So restful...  I miss the days when I worked jobs that were pretty immediate, meaning I couldn't take work home, like working reference at the public library.

And, honestly, my stress is sky-high.  When I started treatment, I was stressed enough to be dizzy and headachy (which had me checking my blood sugar repeatedly!).  I'm back to that right now.  I don't really have anything that I do on a regular basis for stress releaf.  Exercise might normally be my answer, but I can't do that with already-plummeting blood sugars.  Sadly, I dislike a lot of the things other people do.  Bubble baths are boring, massages are uncomfortable (one masseuse made me cry!), beauty treatments like pedicures make me feel awkward, and my mind has been racing too much for meditation.  Escaping into my third read of Watership Down has been my one resource.  So... maybe I'll go try and read that while I take a hot bath, so it'll be a little less boring.

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