Touche

Chad decided he wanted a testing kit so he can watch is blood sugar for a few days, since he's had a couple moments of what felt like crazy-low blood sugars (we tested during one of those moments once and it was something like 46!).  He also had a fasting blood sugar on the upper side of average when our GP tested it 8 or 9 months ago, and I think it's smart for anyone with any risk of diabetes to test their BG once in a while.  So I picked up a Relion Micro and box of 50 strips.  This was cheaper than if I'd just gotten him a vial of strips for the Freestyle I have but no longer use, or if I'd picked up strips to let him use my spare One Touch Ultramini (if I could find the damn thing!).

(I'm normally not one to promote Walmart, but their Relion meters and strips would be an great option for someone with diabetes and no prescription plan.  This is actually the second Relion meter I've ever purchased.  The first one served as a back up when my very first vial of strips ever ran out well before I could get the refill covered by insurance.  Later, I mailed it to someone I'd talked to online who didn't have insurance and was having trouble affording strips for the meter she already had.  When Chad said he thought he might want to keep a meter with him to test for lows, I didn't blink an eye at picking up another Relion.  Even if he never touches it again after a few tests, it's such an affordable backup to have around.)

When I got home, we got the meter set up.  He did the settings and learned the buttons while I set up the lancer and little meter case then nommed a PB&J sandwich.  ;)  Finally, he was ready to do a practice test.

He's seen me do it hundreds of times, and he's tested out of curiosity at least a couple times before.  The only direction I gave him was to wipe off his finger with an alcohol pad because he hadn't washed his hands since eating a granola bar an hour before.  Of course, his response was perfect:

"I was just going to lick my finger.  Isn't that what all the pros do?"

Touche, Chad.  Touche.

So he did his test and we watched the meter count down.

Me: 114? And you ate that bar an hour ago?  Yeah, that's a good number."

Chad: Funny, I totally knew exactly how to test, from watching you.
Me: Yeah, on the forums, we'd call you a Type 3 Diabetic.  Diagnosed as the spouse of a diabetic.
Chad: Haha!  That's good.
Chad pulls the used strip from the meter and holds it up.
Chad: So, now I throw this on the floor or leave it someone else's car, right?
Me: *Grinning.*  You've learned well.

Touche again, Chad.  Touche again.

Things I Hear

Things I hear from people, having been recently diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes:

Did you have any symptoms?!?!

This is probably out of sheer surprise.  I'm at an odd age for either type of diabetes, and I wasn't clearly ill.  I have to admit that, at first, this question bothered me because I felt like maybe I should have gone to get tested far before I did.  Yes, as a matter of fact, I did have some symptoms... but I sure as hell never thought I had full-blown diabetes!  I remember one day thinking, "Why am I so thirsty lately?"  I also started getting up to pee in the middle of the night, whereas I hadn't needed to before.  And every once in a while, I lost a couple pounds when I expected to gain from all the sweets I'd been eating, but I attributed that to eating an otherwise decent diet.  Plus, I was hungry all the time and didn't have a lot of energy, which was especially frustrating to me.  But when you hear stories of diabetes symptoms, you hear that people drink gallons of water, pee every 30 minutes, lose 10 pounds in a week, and are flat out sick right before diagnosis.  After the fact, when I shared the above symptoms with my doctor, she was still surprised at the lack of obvious symptoms.  My dentist was also surprised by how well-hydrated my mouth was.  Go figure.

You're doing so well!

I hear this one a lot, from all sorts of people.  It means a lot from the people I know well.  For a while, I felt slightly uncomfortable hearing it from people I'm not as close to... Maybe because I felt they could have no idea how I was doing.  Did they really think I was "doing so well" simply because I showed up to work and managed to stare at the computer and not cry in front of people?  They weren't there for the time that I a cried over having to do 9 injections a day (before they got closer to my correct ratios), or miscalculated how much insulin I needed and made my blood sugar go borderline-low, or threw a genuine tantrum because I dropped my lunch all over our carpet after I'd already given myself my bolus insulin.  But hearing it from the people closest to me really matters.  I feel good that my mom is proud of me, and that my husband is impressed with the way I've adapted... especially since they've both let me cry and rant during my moments of frustration and self-pity.  It also means a lot from the members of my health care team, because I thrive on any sort of teacher-student dynamic and appreciate feedback that tells me I'm doing a good job.

This is a real, life-changing event.

People seemed quick to point this out at the beginning, often following it up with some sort of reassurance like, "But you can do it," or, "But you'll adjust in no time."  This statement has created the most conflict in me, because I just don't know what my opinion is on it yet.  Some days, I don't think it changes life that much.  I have a friend who is type 1, but I never would have known if it hadn't come up in a conversation.  Her lifestyle is very similar to what mine has always been.  Another type 1 I knew more casually had the pump, and that was the only sign of her diabetes.  But then, some days, I'm daunted by the idea of counting carbs and possibly battling the insurance companies for the rest of my life (come on Obama, get that health care reform moving!).  Some days, I'm terrified by the thought that my pancreas will soon be totally kaput, and then I'd die without my medication.  Some days, I read about other people's struggles to keep within their target range and worry that it will be that hard and time-consuming for me, too.  Yes, things are going to be different, but I just don't know what to think about how utterly life-changing this will be, yet.

I'm diabetic, and I can tell you you'll be fine.  Let me know if you need to talk.

I'm lucky to be receiving so much support from all of my friends and family, but I'm especially comforted by support and encouragement from people who are diabetic or who have a spouse/child/parent/sibling who is diabetic.  It's primarily that they're experienced in this, and yet they think I'll be OK.  It's so good to hear that.  Now that I know what a low blood sugar feels like and that I'm able to identify it before it gets really bad, my greatest fear is the major complications.  Hearing from diabetics without major complications eases the worst of my fears.  I really, truly, honestly intend to give myself the best possible treatment, and these people make me believe that it will be worth it.

I Choose to Fight

Three weeks ago, I thought I was a pretty normal, healthy person.  I didn't have a lot of energy, but I was starting to exercise and was determined to create habits that would let me live a long, healthy life.  I wasn't afraid.

Now, have a chronic disease with some serious potential complications... including heart disease.

I feel... changed.  Diabetes is very manageable (thank god!), but its very real dangers has made me... mortal.  And I am afraid.

I visited my doctor yesterday, for the first time since I got this diagnosis.  She told me, "You're really doing great, you're doing everything you need to do.  I see a lot of people run and hide from something like this."

But the truth is, I'm just much more afraid of the complications than I am of the treatment and day-to-day concerns.  I was faced with a fight or flight scenario, and I chose to fight.

I'm scared, but I think it's a healthy fear.  That fear is making me follow my Diabetic Educator's every direction, eat a healthier diet, and look forward to the green light to exercise.

The fact is that diabetes is faster than you.  If you run, it will catch up with you, and it will take you down from behind.  But face it head-on, and you have the advantage.  You can see and respond to its every move, and you can stay on your feet.

I'm scared, but that's why I choose to fight.

Introductions, of all kinds.

I am 30 years old, and I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes 4 days ago.

This was a shock on so many levels.  My doctor decided to test my fasting blood sugar when I had cracks at the corners of my mouth (this is usually a type of yeast infection, and yeast loves high blood sugar).  I came back to her office for those tests with a fully healed mouth, which made her think that the blood sugar probably wasn't an issue... but she wanted some "baseline" test results anyway.

Thank goodness she went forward with the tests.

She called me back in to discuss the results.  I half expected her to say I might be pre-diabetic.  I did not expect her to tell me that I had a fasting blood sugar of 342 (anything over 170 indicates the possibility of diabetes, but 342 is really high!).  She said she felt the need to make sure that was a "real number," and ordered another blood sugar test plus some other related tests.

I then spent a long weekend camping with friends and psyching myself up to deal with my likely diabetes with diet and exercise, which can sometimes be a successful method of managing Type 2 Diabetes even without medication... and I certainly knew that it must be Type 2... even though 30 is pretty young to be getting Type 2 unless there are other significant factors that didn't really apply to me.  But Type 1 just happens to kids.... right?

Wrong.  Late Monday afternoon, my doctor called me with the results.

"You're diabetic... and I think it's type 1, but I don't know why."

Cue confusion, tears, and denial.  I'd cried when I heard the first test results and felt that I'd come to terms with the likely diagnosis... but here was something I hadn't prepared for.  I thought I'd be taking a pill and changing my lifestyle for the better, but now I was being prescribed insulin and a glucometer.

And I'd be using them for the rest of my life, barring medical breakthrough.

Flabbergasted, I started googling when I got home (as did my husband and my mother, who is a nurse)...  Oh, it's not so uncommon for adults to develop Type 1?  That's news to me.  But still, most of the information out there is geared toward parents of children with type 1, or adults developing type 2.

I'd like this blog to contribute to the gap that exists.

How does it feel to be diagnosed with Type 1 at 30?  Unbelievable.  Scary.  Out of control.  Confusing.  Overwhelming.

I think I had a little more knowledge of diabetes and its treatment than the average person, but I still feel totally lost... and I keep having thoughts that I logically know are wrong.  Such as, what if I did this to myself?  What if herbal supplements wiped out my pancreas?  Too many vitamins?  Or could it have been drinking, my yo-yo weight, or some medicine I didn't take correctly?

That irrational guilt crosses over into other areas, like feeling terrible that my husband and family will have to deal with this along with me.  I even find myself worrying that I'll bum people out with the news.

Even though I know it's not my fault... that doesn't necessarily mean I feel it's not my fault.


This week, I've bounced back and forth between areas of the grieving process.  A good amount of depression, a healthy dose of anger, occasional denial, the rare instance of acceptance, and certainly some bargaining.


One of the worst parts is that I've been in limbo.  I know I'm diabetic and I've gotten all my "gear," but my doctor recommended I not start insulin treatment until my "training" tomorrow morning.  I could have had my mother help me and get me started, but I also saw the value in waiting so I could get comfortable with it over the weekend, before doing and glucose monitoring it at work.  (I don't have to worry about insulin at work just yet, though.)


I am so eager to start being proactive in taking care of my body, and I'm interested to see how different I feel.  My GP is starting me on what seems to be a very conservative treatment plan, and I imagine that's partly so my endocrinologist can make the decisions on how to really tackle this.  But jeez, something will be so much better than nothing!