A Very Important Cog in a Much More Important Machine

"At some point, you have to stop and say, 'Lord, why?'" said my doctor. "But thank God we found this early. God really did protect you! Most people end up in the ICU for a week!"

There are so many things about these statements that do not ring true and clear for me.

I will absolutely never tell people what's right when it comes to religion, spirituality, and a divine being... except, perhaps, that I do not believe any higher power would approve of hurting others except in self-defense or the defense of those who cannot protect themselves. Beyond that, I only know what feels right and what doesn't... and I don't feel that any one organized religion has it entirely "right."

This makes me a grade A agnostic, and there have been times when I considered myself an atheist. So, I'm no authority on God.

But I don't think I would ever stop and say to God, in whatever form I believe in Him/Her/It, "Why would you let me develop diabetes?" If there's one thing I do believe about divinity, and I do believe there is some kind of divinity, it is that we are all very important cogs in a much more important machine that is the universe. Everything happens because that's the way the universe, and the divinity that made or is a part of this universe, works. That doesn't mean there was a conscious divine plan for me to get diabetes, just that it is one of the tiny little processes that make up this amazingly complex and ever changing universe.

And do not believe that I am so uniquely special that a personal god would protect me with an early diagnosis. Not when there are small and innocent children who develop the same disease and don't know it until their parents have rushed their limp little bodies to the emergency room, racing against time and death. This does not mean I consider myself insignificant to a personal god, but rather that I am no more special to Him than those children.

I do not consider myself cynical in this lack of belief in a personal god who makes things happen in my life or protects me. It doesn't even mean I believe there is no god, or that God must be impersonal if He exists. I believe, rather, that any such god would be an eloquent designer who created the universe (and everything that happens in it) exactly as it must be, and who would see all good people as equally deserving of whatever benevolent intervention He might offer.

But developing a chronic disease that puts me in a much higher risk category for other life-threatening conditions has certainly gotten me thinking about belief. I believe that there is divinity in the universe, though I've leaned away from picturing that divinity as a being... But my sudden sense of mortality made me ask: Is there something there for me after I die? And if I were to pray for help, is there someone to listen? And would that someone actually be willing to consider answering my prayers?

I still haven't learned those answers, or even developed much of an opinion on them... but I am no longer content to not ask them. Perhaps this is one good thing diabetes has given me.